This is not my ceiling
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
