man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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