There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
