Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
