sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
