Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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