Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
