So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
