Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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