apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
