I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
