My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
