hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
