I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
