We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
