the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
