Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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