just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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