Your mouth is God's brothel.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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