Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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