I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
