Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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