So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
