Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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