I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
