I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
