i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
