It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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