My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
