You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize