so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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