Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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