I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
