If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
