My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
