Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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