Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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