I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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