OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
