I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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