yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
