i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
