I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
