I wish life had little blips of pornography
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
