Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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