Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
not ubering you a puppy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
