we're blogging at a bar
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
