i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I didn't notice because vodka
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
