I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
