wanna go halves on a baby?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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