Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
